What they can never know
by sas2668
Summary: Sometimes we keep secrets to protect the ones we love. Even if we're really only protecting ourselves.
1. Chapter 1

This is set after Rose gets shot. She wakes up in the hospital and Dimitri isn't there.

My eyes felt heavy but I knew I had to wake up. There were unfamiliar sounds all around and the unknown definitely sent chills down my spine. Everything was groggy but I could make out a figure standing beside me.

"Ms. Hathaway?"

I murmured what I could in response. Words weren't coming to me easily and I didn't see much point in straining myself.

"Ms. Hathaway, can you hear me? My name is Nurse Jones and you've been in an accident."

A small laugh escaped my lips but came out more as a chocking clamor. An accident she says. Right.

"You're going to be okay. I'm just going to get Doctor Peterson for you."

I heard another sound and then the room was silent. I figured I should probably attempt to wake up, especially with a doctor on the way to check my physical and more than likely mental stability. I squinted my eyes to the harsh light above the bed. God it was bright. Next I maneuvered my hands to my face. They were numb and felt completely alien against my cheeks. How long had I been asleep? Was it hours? Was it years? Not much could be made from a physical standpoint, but al least some white coat was on his way to explain everything.

As if on cue the door opened. I widened my eyes to meet his face.

"Ms. Hathaway, my name is Dr. Peterson. Welcome back."

I tried to adjust my position in order to see him better but he beat me to the punch.

"Here, let me help you."

Suddenly the whole bed bent into a seated arrangement and I was helpless to control it. I stared at him. He was tall and good-looking by any human standard. And that was all I need to know. He was human. Which meant I wasn't in a moroi hospital.

"What do you remember?" He asked me inquisitively.

I made no indication of answering his question. I remembered everything, but how much did he know? He took my silence as a cue.

"You were brought in by a dhampire guardian with a gunshot wound. We worked on you for seven hours in surgery. There were a few complications but we resolved them and now you're fine. You'll need a recovery period of at least six months though."

So he knows about everything. Well, at least that there are less than ordinary things lurking in the shadows at night.

"Complications?"

"Maybe you should take some time to yourself before I get into the details."

"Dr. Peterson, please. Tell me. "

He paused for a moment and then took a breath.

"At approximately 3:23 AM you died on the operating table. We tried everything but nothing worked. Your time of death was called and we began packing up. And then...you started talking. You were gone but your body was still..."

"What was I saying?"

"It wasn't English. I couldn't make it out. But about three minutes passed and a heart rhythm was found."

"So I just... came back to life, all by myself?"

"Technically speaking... yes."

I took a moment. The whole story sounded ridiculous, but hey, I was here wasn't I?

"There is one more thing. You survived the surgery, but the fetus didn't. Our obstetrics surgeon did everything she could but the baby was dead the moment you were shot."

"What?" I breathed.

"I am very sorry." He turned and left the room.

Baby? What baby? That wasn't possible, was it? The only way I could have been pregnant-No. The only man I've been with was a dhampire. Two dhampire's cant have a child, everyone knows that. So how was Dr. Peterson telling me I'd just lost mine? I couldn't help the tear that fell down my cheek. I didn't believe it, so why did I feel so broken inside? No, it was a mistake, it had to be. But even so, no one would ever find out.


	2. Chapter 2

It took me a few hours to realize what I was missing. The bond, it was gone. I couldn't feel Lissa anymore. For the first time in... god, I can't even remember, I was completely and utterly alone. I had no idead how this could have happened but for the moment it just felt good.

A few days passed before I got any visitors. And of all people, he was not on my top ten list. Abe Mazur strode into the hospital room with an ease very characteristic of his personal demeanor. But as he sat down beside me his face showed nothing but concern.

"How are you, Rose?"

I smiled with my standard sarcastic expression.

"5 by 5, old man. And how are you?"Abe smiled a shook his head.

"You had me worried there for a moment kiddo. But I guess I was stupid to think a mere bullet to the chest would take you out."

"Damn straight."

This time I didn't paint on a happy expression. Honestly I couldn't find the strength to pretend, especially in front of Abe.

"So the doctors aren't telling me much but-"

"Why hasn't anyone come to see me?" I cut him off.

He paused a moment, taking in my newfound serious tone.

"No one's really aware of your whereabouts at the moment..."

"What are you saying?" I prompted him for my information.

He looked around the room before continuing.

"We can talk about it later."

"Abe. Talk now."

He grinned slyly and put his hand on mine.

"As far as anyone knows, you died when you took that bullet."

I shook my head at first, thinking I'd misheard him. But realization hit me hard when I remembered Abe never joked about anything. What he said... he meant every word.

"What did you do?"

"You were dying and I had to make a choice. I chose to take you away so that the best surgeons in the country might save your life."

"Then why does everyone think I'm dead?"

He turned away and began pacing the room.

"Abe!"

"Because you were! You were dead..."

God... How many times can someone die and come back? Taking a tally, I've got three as my personal record. Yeah, there's something very wrong with that...

"Well I'm fine now, so we can go back and everything will-"

"Well actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

Preparing for the worst I held my breath.

"To the world you're dead, which offers a lot of leeway to your capabilities. As you know I am a business man..." I poorly attempted to stifle a laugh. "... among other things." He continued. "And I could really use you for certain jobs."

"Jobs that involve a lot of violence..."

"Well... yes." I understood almost immediately.

"And it would make things a whole lot easier if I technically didn't exist. No paperwork to file, no consequences to deal with."

"See, I knew you were my daughter." He smiled but I didn't return the look.

"I-"

"Before you answer, think about what's left for you back at court. The Princess told me your bond was broken, and I know you feel it. You can't protect like you once did, she has an army of guardians at her side. And that boy , the Belikov character. Well to be perfectly honest I don't approve. But to be even more honest, I probably wouldn't approve of anyone." He smirked "And my opinion has no sway on what you do with your personal life. But I can see the pain he's put you through. Perhaps some time away might be beneficial for both parties. Should you agree to the job."

The old man wasn't wrong, there really isn't much left for me back at court. Except he doesn't know how Dimitri and I have finally resolved the pain from before. We are finally together and I love him so much. But the baby. How could I face him knowing what we've lost? How could I tell him? Should he even know? Question were whirling around in my head at a pace too face to attempt to answer. But if I left, I would have to face any of them. All the doubt and all the hurt would be put on hold. And sure my loved ones would think I was dead and that would hurt them more than I could bare. But that was a consequence. And if I went with Abe, there would be no consequences to deal with. At least for now. The thought brought ease to my stress and I knew I had an answer.

"When do we leave?"

Abe smiled and took my hand once more.

"Good choice, kiddo."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: If you've read bloodlines this will make soooooooo much more sense. I am building off all of that. Everything is the same except that Rose was never in any of it. Adrian really left to get away from his grief about Rose. And he does like Sydney, just like in the series. And people are still out to get Jill. Okay, you're caught up!

three months later...

D POV

I awoke to Lissa's screaming. She was in her room on the other side of the palace, but that didn't matter. Ever since she restored me to my former dhampire self about three months ago, I've had a strong emotional connection with her. But even our bond couldn't tell me of the Queen's ailment. I flew out of bed and grabbed what clothes I could find before sprinting to her location at a speed that even shocked me. When I came to her door it was already open. A small crowd of familiar guardians surrounded Lissa and tried to calm her down as she wept and struggled.

"They're here! All around I see them! All the time!" She was yelling and didn't seem completely coherent. I stood in the corner and tried to better assess the situation when Christian Ozera stormed in.

"Lissa! What is it? What's wrong?" He crossed to her bedside and took her face in his hands.

The contact seemed to be exactly what was needed because at his touch the Queen escaped her panicked trance.

"Christian? What... what happened?"

"You dont remember?" He questioned.

"I dont remember anything..."

I next day I was left without answers, again. It seemed to be the running trend lately. Which would normally be fine. I am a guardian, a soldier. I don't need reason, I need orders. But I don't especially like being kept out of the loop when the issue involves those I care about. Last night has happened before. It used to be once every other week but now it's every other night. Lissa's being affected by her spirit affinity and even someone bound to her in death can't change that. So basically I am useless. I can't do what Rose-. Stop it. Don't think about her. You've gone two days without thinking about her, don't give up your progress now. You need to be strong, for Lissa. She would want you to.

But the fight was over, I'm thinking about her even in telling myself not to think about her. Great.

There's only one place I can clear my head when this happens. And I'm already walking in the direction of the chapel before I've even thought of the idea. Its quiet today so there's a lot of selection in seating. But that doesn't matter, I always sit in the back, away from any innocent clergyman who want to share the message. I'm not here for a heartfelt chat. Actually, I don't even know why I come here. I guess it just makes me feel better, believing there might be more after this life. Praying she's found it. Stop. You're doing it again.

"Screw it." I whisper as I stand up and leave to escape my own self denial that I wasn't here to feel closer to her. She hated this place in life and I was fooling myself to believe I could find any solace somewhere in those stone walls.

She's gone. She is not coming back. I am never going to hold her again. I am never going to see her smile again. I am never going to have one more stolen moment with her. I am never going to find any happiness now that she's gone.

I didn't realize I had fallen to the ground until a hand rested on my shoulder.

"Guardian Belikov?"

I looked up and saw Sonya Karp. She looked down at me with worry in her eyes. Sonya and I had had something in common, we were both once strigori. And we both were saved. Though our similarities didn't exactly push us together. I'd hardly spoken a word to her since I came back from Russia. I guess neither of us liked to talk about those darker days.

Sonya rested on her knees beside me.

"You miss her."

I bowed my head a little lower.

"I'm sorry for your loss, I truly am."

I found some strength to rise to my feet, she did the same.

"Guardian Belikov, may I buy you a cup of coffee?"

Sonya told me about the strigori discoveries made in Palm Springs with Sydney Sage. She pretty much updated me on everything.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" I asked impatiently.

"We are pieces of a puzzle, Dimitri. I am telling you this because I want your help."

"You want me to go down to Palm Springs? For some sort of experiment?"

"Yes."

I pondered the thought for a moment. I wasn't really needed here in court. Lissa didn't need me. I could go, if I really wanted to. But I couldn't. What if Lissa got worse and I could somehow help.

"I sorry but-"

"If you're turning me down because of a real reason, go ahead. But I think the only reason you would stay here is to be with Rose. But she isn't here anymore. If you stay here that realization will eat away at you every single day. I knew Rose. And I know she would want you to move on. If you come with me so many questions will be answered. Perhaps you may want some answers yourself. We have been through the same ordeal by spirit. I know I'm not completely without inquiries."

She was right. About everything. And it hurt my heart to know it.

"Okay. I'll do it."


End file.
